I'm sitting in my classroom paralyzed; unable to plan for the review day for my Bible class. Unable to grade papers or create the test for tomorrow.
I close my eyes and see a room full of middle schoolers- some wise, some immature, short, tall, fat, skinny, wearing the latest fashions or castoffs from five years ago, rich with friends, all alone, full of insecurity, sure everyone is looking, laughing, scoffing; following hard after God, or wondering if He really exists.
They have chosen to sit in the prayer circle labled "things aren't good at home".
Mom and Dad fight every day.
My brother's in a gang.
My parents got a divorced last year.
Dad's lying to the judge about mom. I love him but it makes me sad when he does that.
My sister cuts herself.
Afterwards I pull a crying 7th grader into my classroom between classes and find out that she's one of the statistics. Little Gaby, beautiful little Ecuadorian girl; good student, nice girl. Dad comes to visit on Wednesdays, but he always fights with mom. He hasn't sent the check for two months and mom's worried.
I sit and listen to her, asking questions, saying how hard it must be, my mind a blur of happy memories from my own childhood. A fairy tale, compared to this generations' experience. When did it all fall apart so completely? And why does Gaby have to suffer quietly, day by day, for the mistakes of her parents?
Six years of Christian higher education; 23 years of walking with my Lord; nothing to say but "I'll pray" and "God can change people" and "I'm sorry things are so hard for you at home".
I am overwhelmed by my own impotence. Do my words sound as flat and helpless in her ears as they do in mine? Does it matter that I'm here? Can I really help these kids in any sort of real way?
Gaby goes on to History class. I sit in my classroom and listen to the doubts echo in my head.
6 comments:
It absolutely matters. You have made impacts on those kids that you may not be able to see. If you help one of them, you have served a purpose. Just listening to that little girl probably made a difference in her life. God has you where He wants you. I firmly believe that. Just by you posting this prayers for that little girl and her family have increased. I know I'll be praying for her and the others now. Just think of all of your readers that will be praying. You ARE making a difference.
I have heard my pastor say numerous times "the least you can do is the MOST you can do -- and that is to pray". Remember that when your words sound flat...they're going from your mouth straight to the God of the universe...the God that is totally in love with little Gaby and all of your kids. He loves them infinitely more than you can ever imagine loving them! And your prayers are going straight to His ears and His heart! I'll be praying for your students. I'll also be praying for the Spirit to speak to your spirit as you're interceding on "the least of these" behalfs! Love you Leslie!!
We all encounter situations where we are confused about the right thing to say. The secret is that just because we don't think we know the right thing to say, that doesn't mean that we haven't actually said the right thing without even knowing it. Children have an amazing ability to cope with any situation. This little one needed some support and you did the absolute right thing. You did help her, if in no other way, by making yourself available in the future. You both know God's truth. You both know that God love's his kids...the old ones and the young ones. And while you question having said the right things, God knows her situation, He knows what she needs, and even now is starting to put things in motion. Maybe it's something big...or maybe it's as small as her coming to you with other prayer requests. Whatever the case, God has used you in the life of this little one and that is all we are called to do. Don't be fooled into thinking that your earthly education should give you all the answers. Open that black leather book, like you've done so many other times and take comfort in knowing that you did God's work. And you'll do it again and again and as many times as the situation presents itself. God is Good. So simple, yet so powerful. Keep up the great work sister! We need more like you out there!
A very honest moment Leslie. (granted, you're very good at being honest!). I know the overwhelmingness (is that a word? Is now I guess.) of need and hurt and feeling completely helpless against it. It's a good reality check and it's a good "God check" as far as admitting that what we bring to the table, not matter how impressive it may sound or seem or how much freaking $$ and time and sweat we've spent to earn it (i.e. Wheaton education), it will never be enough. You're in a good place Leslie. God will guide you, fill you. He'll do things in these students' lives even without you, but he's invited you to be a part of what he's doing for this season. I love your heart Leslie.
Sounds like God has got you where your needed. Being there for and listening to your students are 2 of the most important things you can do. Your Pappy's proud :o)
Hang in there Les. God is using you in ways you cannot fathom. Keep your eyes on Him and keep doing what He asked of you.
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