Mostly the Ugly

So I was just wonderin'...when exactly did I become a jealous person?

I know there have been times that I've been jealous of something here or there.  But this seems different.  More systemic.  I'm not sure if facebook makes it worse, or just holds a mirror up to what was already there.  Here are some of things I find myself envying these days...

-people who are married
-people who are engaged
-people who are dating
-people who have children
-people who are pregnant
-people who are adopting
-people with money
-people who are being poor together with someone they love
-people with friends that live in the same area
-people who get to be with family a lot
-people whose family vacations together
-people who don't live alone
-people who get to travel
-people who live overseas
-people who get to go on vacation; any vacation; even a crappy, cheap, overnighter; as long as they get to do it with someone they like
-people who have their moms around (even if they're complaining about said mom)
-people who are part of a church
-people who wish they had more alone time
-people who wish they didn't have to wash so many diapers
-people who are dealing with the stress of wedding planning
-people who have someone to sit with at church

Did I mention the systemic thing?

So I'm this weird combination of emotional and logical.  You would think these two things would balance themselves out, but they don't.  At least not in my head.

Anyway, in my head I know that jealousy is an emotion and emotions don't necessarily correspond with truth.  I know that the truth is that I am blessed.  I know that jealousy usually stems from a lack of thankfulness.  I also know that I have a LOT to be thankful for.  Really.  I'm not just trying to sound spiritual.  God has blessed me.

So I think, yes.  I shall be more thankful.  But then this sort of thing happens:  "God, thank you for this cute little house you've given me to rent.  I'm so thankful that I'm not sharing walls with strangers...of course, it's always so quiet and lonely.  I wish I had a family to fill it up..."

That didn't go so well.  I try again.

"Lord, I really appreciate this new job.  It's so so so great.  If only I had someone to tell about my day when I come home.  Someone to share my life with.  Someone who wants to hear from me as often as I want to be heard."

What the what?!?

So then I'm like, "Ok, I suck at being thankful.  If I can be thankful better, I should be less jealous.  So I need to be better at thankfulness...now how to do that?"

Ask God to show me people who have it worse than me.

Right?!?  You're sitting there on the other side of your computer nodding in encouragement.  I can almost see you.

Yah.  I thought that was a good idea, too.  Here's how that went...

"God, look at that person.  Her husband is battling cancer.  She's probably going to be a widow in less than a year.  She's got two kids.  God, would you bless that woman?  And not to seem harsh, but thanks that my husband isn't dying of cancer.  I really hate cancer."  And then I think of that saying, "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."  And I think, at least she'll have her memories.  She'll always know that once there was a man who loved her and chose her.  At least she'll have her children.  Then I feel like a total jerk.  And I still don't feel thankful.  Guilty and frustrated.  Not thankful.

Is this too real for you?  Have you stopped nodding encouragingly and started backing away from the computer?  If so, I wouldn't really blame you.  I'm not especially impressed with myself, either.

Anyway, there it is.  I've become a jealous person.  I hate it.  I don't know how to fix it.  I am open to (and hoping for) godly counsel here.  If you've successfully overcome this problem, do me a favor and tell me about it!  Thanks.