Hope, Fear, Determination

"That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most."
-Hope Floats

I am tired to the very core of my life being a never-ending series of beginnings and endings.  I'm not getting enough middle.  Since I graduated college I have moved communities- like, everyone in my life is new- five times.  I am currently living in my second Reset situation in two years.  And in a few minutes I will voluntarily go do another small beginning in this year of beginnings.

Another I-need-to-introduce-myself-to-everyone-in-the-room evening.

Maybe this time the stars will align and I'll get to stay here and people will have a chance to KNOW me and for me to KNOW them and they will become my family so that I don't have to live life by myself.

Maybe.  Hope is frail, but it's hard to kill.

It's exhausting and scary, walking in alone.  Full of flashbacks of walking into the cafeteria on the first day of high school...

...nagging whispers of insecurity...

...pangs of longing for the family and people-turned-family that you had to leave behind and you wish were at your side now, reminding you that no matter what these new people think, at least one person in the room knows who you are and loves you anyway.

Moving is hard.  Being single is harder.  Doing both at the same time is like being forced to participate in an emotional version of American Ninja Warrior on steroids.  It tests your nerve and teaches you about yourself.  Hard lessons.

I'm not as confident as I'd like.  But brave isn't fearless.  Brave is determined.

So tonight I will again insist that my hope win out over my fear.  I will walk in, imaginary plastic cafeteria tray in my hands, and try to remember names.  Smile and answer questions.  Endure the awkward silences endemic in baby relationships.  I will be determined.  I will protect that tiny bit of hope that tells me this won't always be my life.  And I will pray that my hope is telling me the truth.