The Why

Today during worship I was thinking about how, as a kid, there were a few occasions when one or the other of my parents would tell me to do something and I would ask why.  I could tell that this was not their desired response, but I wasn't asking because I was deciding whether or not to obey them.  I was a fairly obedient kid.  I wanted to know because that's how my brain works.  It is always asking why.  The Why helps me- to know my goal; to get behind the reason; to have a better attitude (hopefully).  I didn't mean to be disrespectful; I was just asking an honest question in hopes of getting an honest answer.

I know that parents don't owe their children an explanation for every call they make.  It's not that I deserved an answer.  And maybe sometimes the answer has to be "Because I said so," but I really think that's not what we normally mean.  In my experience, that answer is code for, "I'm too tired to explain," or "I don't know how to explain," or just, "I feel like you're being disrespectful and I don't to respond to that in a way that pleases you."  My experience is based on my own interaction with young people under my authority- mostly middle schoolers.

When my students asked an honest "why", I tried to answer thoughtfully and truthfully.  I don't think I ever went with, "Because I said so," but I know I have said, "Because I'm the teacher," which is essentially the same thing.  I'm playin' my trump card.  I only used it when a kid was being openly rebellious.  So, I get it.  Maybe my parents thought that's where I was going when I asked, too.  Can't blame 'em for not being able to read my mind.

Anyway, back to this morning.  I'm going through what seems to me to be the longest hard season of my life right now.  Explaining it all would involve a lot of words and drama, and I'm just not up for that right now.  But here's what I was thinking: this would be easier if I knew the why.  Not easy, but easier.  I think I could even be ok with not knowing if where I am is permanent or not, if I could know why.

My theology tells me that my God created me and knows me intimately.  It also tells me that He has good plans for me; plans to prosper and not to harm me.  And it tells me that all things in my life are allowed by my God, for His purposes, which will bring me good and Him glory.

This is all true.  I believe it is Truth, both in a generic,for-the-whole-world sense, and in a personal one.  But when I ask God why, these truths boil down what seems like essentially a God-shaped version of, "Because I said so."  Not an untrue answer, and yet THOROUGHLY unhelpful, unsatisfying.  Un-everything.

And here's the real kicker- God's not misreading me.  He knows that I'm asking out of sheer desperation.  I am in a hard place.  I have been here for a really long time.  I'm trying to hang on.  My knuckles are white and my fingers are bleeding- I'm trying with everything I've got.  I've basically stopped asking for rescue.  He's leaving me here and it must be for a reason.  I'm just asking for a little perspective.  The Why.  Is it too much to ask that He share it with me?  I'm not being disrespectful.  I'm not deciding whether to turn my back on Him.  But it sure would help to be able to hang onto the why.  It sure would help.