And so at church during worship someone came from behind me and hugged me and when we pulled back it was Ginny Hempleman, my friend's mom, and friend of my own mom, who's going through chemo for breast cancer.
Her hair was just beginning to grow back and even though I knew via email that she had lost her hair, I hadn't pictured it in my mind. I hadn't prepared myself emotionally for it.
When I saw that hair, so distinctively woman-going-through-the-hell-of-cancer, it vividly flashed me back to dealing with that with my mom. She did chemo twice. Lost her hair twice. And those were the times she survived.
I immediately started to weep. Not cry, but sob, uncontrollably. I hugged Ginny again for a long time...through that song and into the next...while I tried to get ahold of myself. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, trying to pretend the whole half of the church behind us wasn't watching (they went through Mom's cancer with us- as close as blood family, and they surely understood), trying to fight off the memories that flashed through my mind, snap-shots of a gruelingly difficult season for my family.
It was unreal how shocking it was. Like a sucker-punch to the gut I didn't see coming.
Later, when I had come back to the present and stuffed down some of the raw emotion, Ginny said, "I brought back memories, didn't I?" I nodded silently. She said, "I know. But you need to know that I'm doing ok. I really am."
I used to think that I would get over it. Not that I wouldn't miss her eventually, but that after awhile it wouldn't hurt so much. At the funeral people reassured me with words like, "It'll get easier. Just give yourself some time." I'm not so sure. Maybe I haven't given it enough time? Or maybe we just convince ourselves that grief does get easier. Because if we thought it wouldn't, there might be two caskets to bury.
3 comments:
Leslie...thank you so much for being honest! You don't know how much I appreciate it! Praying for you!
~Meredith
I just saw something on your blog about how you miss your mom and you want to share stories about her...I feel the same way...I'm 8 months and twelve days out since my mom died of breast cancer...
It won't get easier, will it?
filledeve.blogspot.com
Hey Daughter of Eve, (ps- do I know you? I tried to look at your profile, but it was blocked to me; and I started reading your blog to look for clues and really enjoyed it and now I'm late for bed instead of early. That's basically your fault, right? I would hate for it to be my own fault that I went to bed late...again...) As for your question, I'm a few months past 5 years removed from losing my mom. I s'pose it gets easier, faster, if you didn't have such a close relationship with your mom. Mine was my best friend. I think that all I can say is that in my experience, the pain doesn't lessen, but it does grow less constant. Occasionally I don't miss her for a few days in a row. But when I miss her it's still really strong. I usually cry. I'm still holding out hope that I'm just not there yet; it WILL get easier at some point. I guess time will tell. And as a side note of unrequested advice, I think it's ok if you don't want to go out. Give yourself time and space to grieve. Alone if you want. Eez ok.
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