Nightmare, Resolving...

The place where I'm emotionally today is so much...better? Maybe not, but more comfortable? Yes, more comfortable than where I was in writing "Nightmare" that I cannot help but tell you about it; a testimony to the power of my God. So here is Nightmare, Resolving...

About an hour after I wrote the last post I had to go to Worship Team practice. As I get ready to go, the irony of my situation was not lost on me. The bad thing about believe that God is truly omnipotent, or all powerful, causes its own problems. If I weren't sure God was big enough to heal my mom, I'd sure have other problems, but I wouldn't struggle with the idea that He could have saved here but did not.

For the 10,000th time I weighed "authenticity" and "integrity" against "worship is a command; not just required when my feelings match up with Truth, but 'always'; as in Rejoice in the Lord always." And besides all the theoretical junk, I had committed to being there and can hear my parents' comments on being dependable echo in my ears from heaven and Ohio, respectively. So I went to practice.

It was a rough start. A friend and fellow vocalist had already read my post when we arrived and he made a very brief, very kind comment about it. I immediately burst into tears. I. Really. Hate. That. But anyway, once practice got started, I could feel my soul begin to relax.

I've been singing with this particular group of people off and on for about two years, and the joy that I feel when we worship together is beyond my ability to express. Sure, it's not perfect, and I always prefer rehearsal to Sunday morning (I've petitioned for an enclosed box to sing from, but no one seems to think that's a good idea). The deep, tight harmonies; the words of Truth; the spirit of unity...it was a healing balm for my raw and bleeding soul.

Of course, OF COURSE, the sermon was about the cost of discipleship. Jesus made it very clear that He needs to be first in the lives of His disciples. I don't know if you've ever noticed, but He is pretty hard-core that way. You don't see Jesus begging people to follow him. In fact, the gospels reveal the opposite. He often turned people away, not cold-heartedly, but because He knew that they weren't all in. And He won't accept less than that. One of the verses that our group read is this:

"Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can't be my disciple. (Luke 14:33; The Message)

The Holy Spirit interpreted for me: "Leslie, if you're not willing to let go of your mom, you can't be my disciple."

Now, don't get all angry at the Holy Spirit. This isn't about missing mom, or wishing she were still here. It's about surrender. I don't have to agree, but have I chosen to accept? To trust that God really does know what He's doing, even in this? Or am I letting my sorrow and my grief erode my walk with Him? Cause that? That's not ok.

Hurting is ok. Crying and having bad days? No problem. But letting my pain drive a wedge between God and me is not ok.

We sang, "All of my ambitions, hopes, and plan

I surrender these into your hands

For it's only in Your will that I am free

For it's only in Your will that I am free"

And the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart. "Is that true, Leslie? Are you willing to surrender to me again today? Will you put your ambitions, your hopes, and your plans into my hands? What about your disappointments? Your losses and your loneliness? Because it's true; you know this Truth- it's only in My will that you can be free. Won't you chose to let me free you?"

And so, today was a success. I surrendered my sad and pitiful self to the Creator of the universe and the creator of my heart. Again. I let go of a little more of my mangled heart so that He can heal it and give it back. And by His incredible grace, I hope to give up another piece tomorrow, and the day after that. Maybe on the Nightmare days I'll think to re-read this post and remember. Maybe I will choose to learn from my own past experiences with God. May I be so wise. May we all be so wise.

*If you would like to hear the beautiful song I referenced, it's called "Jesus, All for Jesus" by Robin Mark.

Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njbDH7U4DUE

Nightmare

I just woke up from this terrible dream. Worst I've had for awhile. Mom wasn't gone yet, but she was really sick and dying. In the dream, she didn't care that she was leaving me. She told me I was strong and that I would be ok.

Just like in real life.

In the dream she would ignore me when when we could be together, or act like she was asleep or just sometimes be in so much pain that we couldn't talk. And it hurt me so much to know I was losing her that I started to scream, but it was that kind of dream-scream, when you're doing the action but no noise comes out. So finally, I'm in my bed silent-screaming for so long and so hard that finally someone comes over to check on me and I wake up in real life.

And then I realize that she's already gone; has been gone- I grasp frantically for reality- almost 6 years. And then I really do start to cry. The pain from the dream mixes with the pain in real life and I can't stop crying. Sobs so hard that I have to stop because I can't breathe.

I gasp, pulling air into my lungs. I cry some more.I start to calm down. I blow my nose and focus on calming down. But it starts again. I can't stop crying. I miss her so much. I feel like six years of pain and loneliness and sad are fighting to get out. But that can't be right- I've been mourning her since before she died. It's not like I've bottled up my emotions. This can't be normal, can it? It's been a half hour since I woke up, and I can't stop. Crying. Missing. Hurting.

And quick behind the pain comes the claustrophobic sensation of helplessness. No matter what; if I use ever ounce of strength, I can do nothing to change this. I can't will her back; I can't force myself to stop the missing and hurting. Same as when she was dying.

Why did she have to get sick? The person I was closest to in the whole world. Why her? And why isn't it better now? Am I doing something wrong? People told me at the funeral that it would get better. That the pain would fade. But it hasn't. Why hasn't it?

And Mom was wrong, too. I'm not strong enough. I can't, or don't want to be strong. It hurts too much. I'm tired of trying to be ok but mostly I'm tired of missing her so much that I can't breathe.

LACTOSE INTOLERANCE!!!!

Bonus points to anyone who can name that movie!

So, during the summer I slowly realized that I have become lactose sensitive. I didn't worry much about it, as I didn't really recognize said development until nearly the end of my trip, and because I don't eat much dairy in Ecuador. That's because it tastes funny. We call it "ecua-dairy".

In any case, the month that I've been back has proven to me that this issue is still an issue down here. So, does that mean that I suddenly because L.S. during the course of 8 weeks? I'm confused. But pretty sure about the problem. Alas and alack.

The good news is that the cheese on pizza doesn't seem to be enough lactose, or maybe the right kind? or whatever to cause problems. This is a huge relief. That, and the fact that I don't really like the ice-cream here, so that's not a big problem. Oh, and the yogurt that I drink in the mornings seems to be ok, too.

Wow, this is a lot of information about my eating habits. I guess that's what happens when I'm up at 10:40pm because my stomach hurts from eating curry creamed chicken for supper. Stupid cream. Didn't bother me all last year. Oh well. I guess I'll take another Rolaid and go back to bed.

Good night.

Interview with the Author

Interviewer: Leslie, is there something you want to tell the readers?

Leslie: Yes. Last night, right after I got into bed I had this great idea for a blog post. But I didn't want to get out of bed to write it up, and now I've forgotten it. Blast.

I: Uh-huh. Well, thanks for that. How's the new school year going so far? You're 4 days in?

L: Yep. So far things are really good. No detentions yet! And it seems like I have a good group of students. A little crowded with full classes and small classrooms. But I guess it helps us stay warm on cold days.

I: This is the last year on your initial contract. Any solid decisions about renewing?

L: Not really. I'm leaning toward coming home. That's really what I want to do. On the other hand, the job market is pretty pathetic back home, and here I have a really secure job. I'm happy to sit tight and not make any final decisions yet. June's a long way off yet.

I: How are you school year resolutions going?

L: Well, I've been pretty pleased with myself in the area of exercise. I think I've settled on working out four days a week. So I do it MT and RF. That way I don't have a big long stretch, but still get in 4 workouts a week. I think it's a good compromise. And it sure feels good setting the alarm for 6am on Tuesday nights, instead of the standard 5am. Oye.

I: Wow, you're practically a saint. A work-out princess, if you will.

L: I'm glad you noticed. That pretty much sums up how I feel about it.

I: Any other thoughts before we close?

L: I've decided that I'd really like to go to the UK for my honeymoon. I have a HUGE zit on my chin, which helps me to feel bonded with my students. I realized yesterday that two weeks ago today I was still in Ohio. It seems like I've been back much longer. At the restaurant with friends on Sunday, when the host asked how many, instead of saying "nine" I replied, "Snow" (nieve instead of nueve). The barking dogs and screaming car and house alarms continue to annoy me when I'm trying to sleep. Ecuador is still beautiful and the weather in Quito is still nice and dry and cool. I guess that's all for now.

I: Well, thanks for your time, Leslie. I wish you and our readers a good evening.