Just like in real life.
In the dream she would ignore me when when we could be together, or act like she was asleep or just sometimes be in so much pain that we couldn't talk. And it hurt me so much to know I was losing her that I started to scream, but it was that kind of dream-scream, when you're doing the action but no noise comes out. So finally, I'm in my bed silent-screaming for so long and so hard that finally someone comes over to check on me and I wake up in real life.
And then I realize that she's already gone; has been gone- I grasp frantically for reality- almost 6 years. And then I really do start to cry. The pain from the dream mixes with the pain in real life and I can't stop crying. Sobs so hard that I have to stop because I can't breathe.
I gasp, pulling air into my lungs. I cry some more.I start to calm down. I blow my nose and focus on calming down. But it starts again. I can't stop crying. I miss her so much. I feel like six years of pain and loneliness and sad are fighting to get out. But that can't be right- I've been mourning her since before she died. It's not like I've bottled up my emotions. This can't be normal, can it? It's been a half hour since I woke up, and I can't stop. Crying. Missing. Hurting.
And quick behind the pain comes the claustrophobic sensation of helplessness. No matter what; if I use ever ounce of strength, I can do nothing to change this. I can't will her back; I can't force myself to stop the missing and hurting. Same as when she was dying.
Why did she have to get sick? The person I was closest to in the whole world. Why her? And why isn't it better now? Am I doing something wrong? People told me at the funeral that it would get better. That the pain would fade. But it hasn't. Why hasn't it?
And Mom was wrong, too. I'm not strong enough. I can't, or don't want to be strong. It hurts too much. I'm tired of trying to be ok but mostly I'm tired of missing her so much that I can't breathe.
3 comments:
Oh... I don't know what to write.
But want to thank you for writing this and being so transparent about it as I am sure you are not alone in your feelings.
You write so beautifully even on such an emotional post. Thank you for sharing.
i love you leslie. your mom too.
brooke
I am so moved by your post and deeply saddened by your pain in missing your mom. Thank you for sharing your thoughts as you continue to process through this and heal and surrender it to God. I will lift you up in prayer this week Leslie. p.s. I love your pic at the top of your blog, you look beautiful in front of gorgeous scenery and that hearty contagious laugh is one thing I remember most about you. Love you girl.
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