About an hour after I wrote the last post I had to go to Worship Team practice. As I get ready to go, the irony of my situation was not lost on me. The bad thing about believe that God is truly omnipotent, or all powerful, causes its own problems. If I weren't sure God was big enough to heal my mom, I'd sure have other problems, but I wouldn't struggle with the idea that He could have saved here but did not.
For the 10,000th time I weighed "authenticity" and "integrity" against "worship is a command; not just required when my feelings match up with Truth, but 'always'; as in Rejoice in the Lord always." And besides all the theoretical junk, I had committed to being there and can hear my parents' comments on being dependable echo in my ears from heaven and Ohio, respectively. So I went to practice.
It was a rough start. A friend and fellow vocalist had already read my post when we arrived and he made a very brief, very kind comment about it. I immediately burst into tears. I. Really. Hate. That. But anyway, once practice got started, I could feel my soul begin to relax.
I've been singing with this particular group of people off and on for about two years, and the joy that I feel when we worship together is beyond my ability to express. Sure, it's not perfect, and I always prefer rehearsal to Sunday morning (I've petitioned for an enclosed box to sing from, but no one seems to think that's a good idea). The deep, tight harmonies; the words of Truth; the spirit of unity...it was a healing balm for my raw and bleeding soul.
Of course, OF COURSE, the sermon was about the cost of discipleship. Jesus made it very clear that He needs to be first in the lives of His disciples. I don't know if you've ever noticed, but He is pretty hard-core that way. You don't see Jesus begging people to follow him. In fact, the gospels reveal the opposite. He often turned people away, not cold-heartedly, but because He knew that they weren't all in. And He won't accept less than that. One of the verses that our group read is this:
"Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can't be my disciple. (Luke 14:33; The Message)
The Holy Spirit interpreted for me: "Leslie, if you're not willing to let go of your mom, you can't be my disciple."
Now, don't get all angry at the Holy Spirit. This isn't about missing mom, or wishing she were still here. It's about surrender. I don't have to agree, but have I chosen to accept? To trust that God really does know what He's doing, even in this? Or am I letting my sorrow and my grief erode my walk with Him? Cause that? That's not ok.
Hurting is ok. Crying and having bad days? No problem. But letting my pain drive a wedge between God and me is not ok.
We sang, "All of my ambitions, hopes, and plan
I surrender these into your hands
For it's only in Your will that I am free
For it's only in Your will that I am free"
And the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart. "Is that true, Leslie? Are you willing to surrender to me again today? Will you put your ambitions, your hopes, and your plans into my hands? What about your disappointments? Your losses and your loneliness? Because it's true; you know this Truth- it's only in My will that you can be free. Won't you chose to let me free you?"
And so, today was a success. I surrendered my sad and pitiful self to the Creator of the universe and the creator of my heart. Again. I let go of a little more of my mangled heart so that He can heal it and give it back. And by His incredible grace, I hope to give up another piece tomorrow, and the day after that. Maybe on the Nightmare days I'll think to re-read this post and remember. Maybe I will choose to learn from my own past experiences with God. May I be so wise. May we all be so wise.
*If you would like to hear the beautiful song I referenced, it's called "Jesus, All for Jesus" by Robin Mark.
Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njbDH7U4DUE
1 comment:
Our God is so good like that...I was crying with you yesterday when I read the original post and it made me think of a lot of things in my life that I hold too tightly. Glad God meets us where we are and gently nudges us along. Another song I was reminded of was "He Knows My Name". Good stuff. Thanks for sharing things that are so dear to you!
Post a Comment