When I Work Out I Develop a Split Personality

Saturday, June 23, 2012

5:44- I awake suddenly from a pee dream.  It's quarter to six on Saturday morning.  I toy with the idea of going for a jog.  I theorize that I could work out, get a shower, and go back to sleep while still having enough time to get ready for my noon rendezvous with friends.  After some debate, I decide to do it.

[Editor's note: For those of you who don't hydrate enough and/or have larger bladders than I, a pee dream is when whatever you were previously doing in a dream changes, and becomes an all-out battle to find a usable toilet.  It happens to me when I need to pee in real life, but I'm sleeping deeply enough that it doesn't wake me up.  Usually the dream has to do with searching for a toilet for a long time, until eventually I find one, but something makes it unusable.  It's running over; it's in a middle of an airport without any sort of doors or screens; or I start to sit down on the toilet and someone walks into the stall.  Anyway, I always wake up from a pee dream with the same immediate need.]

5:47- After my much appreciated trip to the loo, I yawn and stretch, stalling.  There's no reason that I HAVE to go.  No one will even know the difference.  It's not even 6am, for crying out loud.  On a Saturday!  I could crawl back in bed and be asleep in a couple minutes.  Besides, last week I worked out out five times and the scale still went up.  Finally, I give in and put in my contacts.  This is the point of no return- the contacts.  Can't go back to sleep with those guys in.

5:53- I grab a peach, my pepper spray, my cell phone, and bid Phil (the beta fish) goodbye as I head out the door.  I happily acknowledge that it's pretty cool out, which will make the jog better.

5:59- I pull into a parking spot at the park, hide the cell phone, lock up the car, and hit the trail.  There's no one else in sight.  On the way in I notice that the park doesn't actually "open" until 7am.  That seems odd to me.  I debate momentarily aborting the plan in order to follow the rules.  But nope.  I already did the hard part of working out- getting up.  Not going to waste that effort.

6:03- The path is green and leafy and cool.  For the first few minutes, it is only separated from the railroad track by about a ten-foot strip of trees and undergrowth.  I listen to a trail rumble past me, dwarfing me with its noise, size, and speed.  I walk the first five minutes to warm up.  I breathe deeply the fresh, wholesome scent of the woods in the morning.  I smile and feel pleased with my decision.

6:10- Having been jogging for a few minutes now, my euphoria is waning.  A guy passes me in the opposite direction.  He has a weird mustache and two little dogs on leashes.  I'm at a point in the path that is less wooded, so it's hotter.  And let's face it- I don't really like to jog.  Jogging just might be dumb, in fact.  But I'm still feeling good, and I chug along- quite possibly the world's slowest jogger.  I remind myself that I'm still going faster than if I had stayed in bed.

6:15- I finish my first ten-minute jogging stretch and I'm back to a brisk walk.  I'm thinking about safety.  Although I love this path because it's pretty and sheltered, that also means that it's less safe.  I feel glad that I brought the pepper spray, and feel thankful for this Easter present from my step-mom.  I also feel somewhat like a private eye, as I try to be extra-aware of my surroundings, which, in reality, seem quite benign.

6:30- I'm finishing my second stretch of jogging.  My feelings about the plan to get up early to do this are at a low point.  Jogging is clearly dumb and I'm unsure as to why I would have ever thought otherwise.  I'm hot and sweaty and I hate being hot and sweaty.  Creepy, overly-friendly guy and his dog, Buck (the rescue dog who's "been through hell and back" according to his loquacious owner) are behind me a bend or two in the trail.  But I keep going, reminding myself that I'm very near to the end of the jogging part, and then I'll feel really good about myself.  Just a little farther!

6:31- whiny me: I hate jogging.  

          teacher me: Suck it up, Cupcake!  

         whiny me: Whose stupid idea was this, anyway?

          teacher me: You're almost there!  Another minute!  You can do it!

          whiny me:  Jogging is dumb.  This minute is longer than a normal minute.

           teacher me:  Stop whining, Foster!

          whiny me:  (grumble, grumble, grumble)

6:32- Back to walking!  Jogging's done for this day!  Whee!  I love jogging!  I love this path!  I love the whole world!  Creepy, overly-friendly guy is probably just lonely!  Buck probably IS the best dog ever!!  Sweating isn't really all THAT bad!  Maybe I should go around agai--  Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Let's not get carried away.

6:40- I pause in the path to pick a couple of very sad black raspberries.  It's been too dry, so they're small, but still tasty.  I finish the route and jump back into the car, feeling a little bit like everything is awesome.  It's not really.  Real life will be waiting for me, when I come down off the post-exercise high.  But in the meantime, I guess there's no reason not to enjoy it while it lasts, right?