I Don't Have Children

So last night I watched two little boys for some friends of mine. Anyone who has known me since mid-high school may remember that I don't particularly like to babysit. I make exception for infants. But they're so easy that I feel like they shouldn't count.

Anyway, Ben and Mari were going out of town for a Happy Mother's Day/Happy Birthday Ben/Happy Anniversary getaway and asked for people to tag-team babysit their two boys (Ethan, 6 years old and Aiden, 3). It seemed like a worthy cause, so my shift was Friday night from 7:30-Saturday morning at 8:30.

-7:30pm: Dave (he and Beth had the shift before me) picks me up with the boys and takes us to the boys' house. The car smells funny. I find out that Aiden has wet his pants. I consider how much easier it will be to clean up the child than the child's car seat, and feel moderately thankful to be me instead of Dave.

-8:00pm: Pj'd, potty'd, and tooth-brushed, the boys sit on either side of me on the bedroom floor. They've each chosen one book to read before bed. Ethan's book is about different kinds of trucks, and as we look at a page with a picture of a huge excavation truck, Aiden asks in his cute baby-voice, "Is that his mouf?" (in reference to the big scoop on the front of the truck, which, admittedly, looks like a mouth) Ethan informs him in an important, big-brother voice, "No, it's not a mouf, 'cause it's not an aminal. Only aminals have moufs."

-9:00pm: boys are sleeping and I pop some microwave popcorn and pour some Coke Zero to enjoy while I watch Pride and Prejudice (the new one, which is better than the BBC version no matter what you loyal BBC-ers say). "Home free!" I think. Note the title of the post. I didn't know any better at the time...

-10:00pm: Ethan gets up, goes to the bathroom, and returns to bed, all without talking to me. I am encouraged, having been warned by Ben that either or both of the boys could wet the bed.

-12:27am: I am awakened from a dead sleep by the sound of a child calling out my name. Sortof. ("Lezy") I grab my glasses and stumble into the boys' bedroom. "What's wrong, Ethan?" "I haf to go potty." I look askanced at this child. Did he really wake me up to inform me of a need which I had personally seen him take care of himself? Ethan looked innocently back at me with bleary eyes. Yes, it seemed he had. "Ok, get up and go," I calmly replied.

-2:02am: I am awakened from a dead sleep by the sound of a child crying right next to me. Aiden is standing next to the bed, crying, and saying, "Mommy!" in the most pitiful voice I've ever heard. In my half-alseep state, I pick him up and cuddle him next to me, where Aiden immediately stops crying and I immediately begin to fall back asleep. About 20 seconds later, I begin to feel something wet and warm soaking into my pj-sleeve. My eyes pop open and I glare accusingly at Aiden, who is almost asleep again. "Aiden," I ask in my nicest baby-sitter voice, "did you wet your bed?" "Uh-huh," responds the half-alseep three-year-old.

-2:04am: I reluctantly leave the warm bed, again, dig out clean jammy-bottoms and underwear for Aiden, and change him. Then I go to investigate the bed situation. Happily, the wet spot is all the way at the head of the bed (??), so I move the pillow and blanket to the foot of the bed and Aiden happily climbs in and falls asleep. I watch him for a moment, wondering if I've just broken some good parenting rule about not letting a kid sleep in a peed-in bed, even if there's no contact with the wet spot. Then I return to bed.

-4:09am: I am awakened from a dead sleep by the sound of a child calling out my name. Glasses; stumble; ask. "A noise woke me up," was the sleepy answers. Me, too, I thought. "I think it was you, yelling for me," I replied. "It's too early to be awake. Go back to sleep, ok? I'll see you in the morning." Ethan smiles, says ok, and promptly returns to sleep.

-6:28am: I am awakened from a light sleep by the sound of a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old "whispering quietly" to each other. I groan, roll over, and pretend not to think about all the possible mischief they could be getting into.

-6:45am: The whispering tapers off, setting off alarm bells in my mind. Must be some sort of instinctual reaction. I reach for my glasses and roll over to see two small boys in the doorway, looking at me expectantly. The day has begun.

-6:56am: Ethan and Aiden watch in silent awe as I show them my contact lenses. I finish getting ready and we strip the wet beds (including mine, since Aiden so kindly shared his pee), start a load of laundry, and go in search of breakfast.

-7:49am: Breakfast is finished and we've retired to the toy room, where Ethan is playing with his cars, and I am reading a book to Aiden, wondering how early of a morning nap I might be able to pull off. In the middle of Simba's adventures on the African savanah, Aiden turns to me and says, "I'm want to hug you," and proceeds to give me a precious little 3-year-old hug. I hug him back and decide that all in all, the babysitting wasn't so bad, after all.