Suave. That's me. Yo. Soy. Suave.

I'm house-sitting right now, for some friends from church. They're off cruising in Alaska, which means I am luxuriating at their house. They have central air and cable tv. I am quite easily pleased.

Anyway, the REASON I'm house sitting is so that I can watch their dogs. I've been here for a few days, and this morning I decided to go for a jog at the track, which is within walking distance from the house. So I got all ready and decided to use the garage code instead of the house key, so that I didn't have to carry the key while I jogged. Cognizant my not-so-awesome short-term memory skills, I even wrote the combination on my hand. Just in case.

I said goodbye to the puppies (who were NOT excited about me leaving) and headed over to the track. I walked a mile and then jogged a mile. When I was sufficiently sweaty, I headed back to the house. As I came to the house, a pang of anxiety struck me. There's a door between the garage and the house. I locked it last night. Did I unlock it before I left?

I did not.

Using my cleverly recorded code, I opened the garage door, only to discover that I was still locked out of the house itself.

Dangit.

As I stood outside the door, sweating and listening to the dogs barking wildly inside I thought through my options.

-Maybe another door was open? But I didn't think so. I'm pretty careful about locking up, since I'm staying here alone.

-Maybe there's a key hidden somewhere? Yes, but where? I would check the doors, and then look for a key.

-Maybe a window was unlocked? Unlikely, since the AC means they don't usually have the windows open. But still worth checking.

-Outside help. I don't have a phone. I could walk to the neighbors' and see if they have a spare key, but when she came over before she used the garage code. Even if I had my phone, it's unlikely that my friends would be keen on trotting back from ALASKA.

I left the garage and headed around to the back door. No luck.

["How lucky that I'm so security-focused," I thought sarcastically to myself.]

I continued around the other side of the house, intending to check the front door again, though I KNEW it was locked, since that's the one I usually use. On the way, though, I noticed that one of the windows into a back bedroom wasn't locked. I went in for a closer inspection.

There was a screen. How much does it cost to replace a screen? I gently tried to push it up.

IT MOVED! It slid up to the first little notch, and then locked. But it was enough space to get my hands in there, push in those little lock-things, and get the screen all the way up.

Now for the window. I could see that the lock in the middle of the window wasn't latched, but these windows had those little levers on the inside of the frame, about two inches from the bottom of the frame. You have to push them down to release the window. Obviously, I couldn't release it from outside.

I tapped around the outside of the window frame, hoping to loosen anything that might be stuck and remembering similar experiences with various girls from the Roosevelt House. [ahh, memories!!] There wasn't a good place to push, so finally I just push out and up on the sides of the frame, and LO AND BEHOLD, the window moved up!! Whee!! I pushed it as far as I could get it; it wasn't far enough to get through, but WAS far enough that I thought with something to stand on, I could open enough to climb in.

About this time I started wondering if anyone was watching my attempted break-in. Oh well. Maybe if the cops showed up they could help.

Back I went to the garage to find something to stand on. My choices were an old, vinyl-covered chair or a plastic 5 gallon bucket with some bird seed in it. The chair seemed less likely to tip over, but more likely to collapse under my weight. I grab the bucket and return to my window.

I climb up on the bucket, realizing that it's REALLY unsteady. I tell myself that when I put one leg into the window, I will need to move the other foot to the middle of the bucket or it's going to dump me.

I manage to get the window open enough and evaluate where I need to step. I put one foot and leg into the window. As I'm grasping about for good places to hold on in preparation to pull myself in, the bucket tips over, leaving me dangling halfway out of the window, about a foot off the ground.

Some flailing ensues. I grab wildly, scraping some skin off in places that will go unmentioned, and finally manage to haul the other half of my body into the house.

I pause for a minute, breathing heavily, and take stock. The dogs are going CRAZY outside the bedroom door. I don't think I broke anything. I check outside the window; it doesn't APPEAR as though anyone had witnessed that delightful scene. I do not hear police sirens. Yet.

But I'M IN!!

So. What'd YOU do this morning?

Settled

It is Wednesday evening. 6:23pm, and I am writing from the over-chilled dining room of the Ada, Ohio McDonald's Restaurant. I just finished my chicken nugget Happy Meal. Missed the mayo that is served with fries in Ecuador. Actually, I missed the combo of mixing the mayo and ketchup. McDonald's was one of the few places that served "real" ketchup there. Most places had this runny, pink-ish liquid that maybe had a tomato waved over it before packaging. It was gross. Far worse than no ketchup at all. But I digress.

Let's get back to the IMPORTANT part of the blog. I'm not really sure what that is, but you people keep harassing me to write, so here I am. Writing. :) Hmmmm....

Well, I've been back in Ohio for 2 1/2 weeks now. Today my awesome friend, Kristy, asked if I missed Quito yet. I answered her without hesitation. Nope. Not even a little bit. Not because I didn't (or don't) like Quito. Actually, I expect to start missing it around the time that other Quito-people are returning for the 2011/2012 school year. But for now, I'm too busy rolling around in a big, juicy vat of Ohio-wonderfulness to miss Ecuador yet.

I'm enjoying family, friends, driving (though not buying gas [eek!]), peaches, books on CD, Red Box movie rentals, coupons and sales, only working a couple hours a day, reuniting with Ohio-friends, watching NCIS on Tuesday nights, lightning bugs, the Ohio accent, strangers smiling at me, NOT being the largest/tallest person in sight at any given time, understanding EVERYTHING that is said to me, knowing how to say ALMOST everything I want to say, jogging [I know. But it's true], my new space-girl tennis shoes, not being on constant crime-alert, the smell of the country, and sun sets [not many sun-rises, though...]

One day, as summer wanders off and fall takes its place, I'll doubtless miss the majesty of the Andes, the cheap-n-yummy strawberries and avocados, the excitement of a new school year, getting my classroom ready, post-summer reunions with AAI people, the mental challenge of communicating in Spanish, the convenience of a cab to a busy part of the city [when it works like it should], the fun of the Latin culture on a Good Ecuador Day, the consistently moderate weather, and my Quito-friends. But not yet. Well, not yet for everything except the Quito-friends. I started missing them back in May.

Another season change. EVERYTHING about my life is in flux right now. From a new cell phone to a new job (which I am hopeful will be coming soon) to a new community and even a new place to fill my prescriptions. Lots of new. New-overload, if you will.

I feel like I'm in the eye of the hurricane. I survived the first part of the storm- leaving Quito.

It. Was. Hard.

By far my hardest "leave" yet. And now I'm in the calm before the second wave hits. Right now things are pretty easy. But I can tell that I'm still emotionally braced for what's coming. I'm having stress dreams. When my brain goes into autopilot, the stress rises to the surface. The questions pop back up above the water level:

-Where am I going to work? Will I like my job? What will my coworkers be like? Will I dread Mondays, or not? Will I get to stay there for awhile?

-Where will I live? How long until I build up my community there?

-What church will I end up in? How long until I feel like I belong there?

-What...?

-When....?

-What if....?

-How long until I feel SETTLED again?

That's the biggest question. Settled.

Settled is a good thing. Settled means you know who you are in your environment. You also know who you aren't. It means you have a routine, and even a routine for breaking the routine. You know who you can call for a spur-of-the-moment outing. You know the best routes to work. You know where to buy your milk. You smile and wave at your neighbors. People greet you by name at church and work and maybe even the neighborhood convenience store or gas station.

If you've lived in the same place for awhile, you've probably reached settled, and you might not even realize it. But remove the settled from your life? And you are aware if it immediately. You might seem ok. You might even feel ok, most of the time. But unsettled works in the subconscious. It pops up in your dreams. Reminding you that you're in transition. Your mind isn't at rest when your body is. It's working on the questions that float around. Being settled puts those questions to rest. It lets your dreams go back to the normal weirdness of being back in high school, but with the people from your current job, or having tea with Sponge Bob or whatever your "normal" dreams are like.

And so, even as I relish life in the eye of the hurricane, my soul still waits in anticipation. Far better than the eye is that day...flitting about out there in the vast spaces of "Future". The day when I will again be settled.

My Hilarious Students

So to make up for my 6 week absence, I have finally returned with a list of the funny and sometimes profound things that my students have said this year. Some of these are from written work, and others are quotes from the day. Sadly, I only get around to recording a small percentage of the funny stuff that happens in my ESL classroom, but some is better than none, I suppose. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

Student Funnies 2010-2011

Q: What is the word that means that God knows everything?

A: Omniknowing

“Martina, wake up!”

“I am not esleeping. I am reviewing my learning experience.”

Q: God used ______ prophets to write the Bible…

A: old

Q: Which of the three primary consequences of sin do you think is the worst? Why?

A: For worst one for me would be the separation from God because I love God too much for loosing him!

Student A: Miss Foster, has anyone lost points today?

Me: No, but some of you are getting close.

Student B: Some of us are getting toast?!?!

Student: Hi Miss Foster. You are tired?

Me: Yes, I am tired. How could you tell?

Student: You look kindof sad.

(looking at Pablo’s drawing)

MaJo: This is a spider?

Pablo: No! That’s my dad!!

Q: What does Charlie’s family teach us about poverty and love?

A: That love is bigger than being poor or not having lots of food.

Student A: What book of the Bible comes after Proverbs?

Students B: A-crazy-ass-tees?

“Hey Josue, how was your doctor’s visit yesterday?”

“I got tree een-jections in my butt!”

Josue, talking to another student: “Maybe Miss Foster will be your superhero!”

“There is a lot of phlegm in here.”

Josue, speaking to me: “Maybe you will punch him in his face!!”

Journal entry about field trip to Mindo: “I discovered that God do all the things beautiful: rivers, waterfalls, butterflies, and the animals and that is good.”

Students, working on a group project.

Student 1: “Let’s make it colorful.”

Student 2: “Yah! And let’s not use black because black is not a colorful color.”

Josue: “Miss Foster, what day is this due?”

Me: “Josue, I JUST told you that.”

(long, solemn pause)

Josue: “Well, could you please tell me again?”

Excerpt from book report:

“Jack never let her little sister go when they were in the water almost dying. Instead, he gave her his life savior.”

Excerpt from Narrative Essay about a stay in a hotel in the jungle:

“The snake was roaring outside and we called the hotel service…”

Martina chants in a sing-song voice as she looks up information, “Pop-u-la-tion den-si-ty!”

Following a loud, grinding noise heard coming outside the classroom, a student comments, “Someone went to the bathroom with much trouble.”

Note on student’s book report project: The plot sickens!

From a student’s journal entry:

“…I would like to change this semester is my schedule. I would like to change choir to home ec. I would like to change it because I am going through that age that when I sing I make this weird sound like a roaster.”

Student survey “extra comment”:

“You are a very good teacher mostly. You are especially very fun and creative.”

As I help a student edit his essay, Juan suggests an awkward sentence.

Miss Foster: “Ok, it’s not that that’s a BAD sentence…”

Josue: “But it’s not a GOOD sentence.”

Josue suddenly jumps out of his desk during work time. He jumps around and says, “My leg!!”

I ask what happened. “Something punched my butt!” he exclaims.

From journal entries about whether mercy or justice is more important:

“…So I think that mercy is more important [than] justice because mercy can make people change and justice cannot change people.”

“I think justice is better because if someone punches you in the face and they get mercy, that’s very bad to you. You would like them to get in trouble so you would want them to get justice. Punish that person for hitting you so that person won’t do it again. But if mercy, then it is more lickly that the person will do it again.”

“I think that more important is mercy because we have to have mercy with [everyone]. I think justice is for God and for the people that has more maturity. If somebody made something that we don’t like, we have to act patiently with others like God is patient and has mercy with us. We have to be like God. Mercy is better for us than justice.”

Answers to the bonus question, “What is the rule about gum in this class?”

The rule of gum

“We need a donkey.” -Martina

Martina: “The bell ranged!”

Josue: “Not ‘ranged’; ‘ringed’!”

Miss Foster: “Not ‘ringed’; the bell RANG! I can’t believe you guys didn’t know that; it’s in this week’s verb list!”

Josue (shaking his head mournfully): “Everywhere: ignorance, Miss Foster.”

Verb quiz Q: What is the past participle form of “to think”?

A: had thonk

Martina:“Mees Fohstair! You look BAD! You look like a tomato!!”

Juan: “You look tired. You should take a nap during lunch.”

Josue: “NO! You should eat during lunch, then take a nap during Bible.”

Juan: “But what if Mr. Bowen comes while she’s sleeping, and tried to teach the class?”

Josue: “We could pretend we’re in a lockdown.”

Pablo: “Ana Julia! Why are you READING!?!?”

Ana Julia: “Go away, Pablo, or something bad will happen to you.”

Journal: If you could have any pet in the world, real or imaginary, which pet would you choose?

A: I will chose a sphinx because it revives from its ashes. I think that is cool because I saw it in Harry Potter. Harry Potter never lies, so its probably true.”

Me: Martina, are you sure that’s the right answer? If not, you should look it up.

M: Don’t worry. I feel it in the deep of my heart.

Me: Ok, I just hope “the deep of your heart” doesn’t let you down.

Q: In your own words, explain the meaning of John 3:16

A: ….Also if you believe that Jesus died in the crust for our sins then you’re going to heaven not hell.

From student writing assignment: “Remind your kid not to talk to stingers.”

Title of Writer’s Workshop Assignment: What I want to be when I am a Ground up

Ana Julia: What’s that?

Pablo: It’s a picture of a hang-glider.

Ana Julia: It looks like a sandwich with legs.

Discussion on April Fool’s Day prank plans

Juan: Can we do a prank on you?

Me: If it’s a good prank, and you don’t hurt anyone or anything.

Josue: Can we scare you?

Me: I’m not sure. It might depend on how scared I am.

Jhony: What if we make you pee your pants?

Me: No, that would not be good.

Josue: Would you be willing to wear especial pants?

Students are playing a review game

Josué: Juan got it wrong!

Juan: I haven’t even answered yet!

MF: Wow Juan, you must be REALLY good to get it wrong without talking!

Juan: I know, right?

Josué: You are better than Chuck Norris!!

Sentence from student essay on people who are overweight:

“I always get mad when people said that I am overweight. But sometimes I understand because I think they say things because they are feeling sad.”

Sentence from student essay on racism:

“I think racism is dum.”

Josue: Miss Foster, did you know that my uncle is coming from Canada?

Me: Really? What part of Canada?

Martina: Toronto?

Josue: Yes!

Me: Do any of you know anything about Canada BESIDES Toronto?

Juan: I think it has a park?

Isa: Miss Foster, have you seen the movie of the Monster of Oprah?

[extra points if you can figure out what movie she meant]

Isa: Have you ever been to Astridi Gaston? It’s a Peruvian restaurant.

Josh: What kind of food do they have?

(whole class busts out laughing)

Q: What do you think happened to Mrs. Johanson on the trip home from the boat?

A: Maybe Nazis shot at her and she is damaged.

Q: Why didn’t the soldier want Mama to open the casket?

A: Because if Mama open the casket she can be contagious with typhus and she can contagious him and everybody.

Pablo: Can I go clean out my locker?

MF: Sure. And if you find $.50 while you’re there, bring it with you so you can get your notebook back.

Pablo: I’m not going to find $.50 in there! I’m going to find spiders! Can I pay in spiders?

Josue: I still remember the time that Miss Foster called me the dork.

Juan: Good times, good times!

Good times, indeed. School's only been out for two days and I already miss them. It was a good year.

Mothers

So, Mother's Day weekend has arrived. It occurs to me that I usually post melancholic (at best) blogs around Mother's Day. And though that seems logical considering my situation, this week a friend sent me an email forward about moms that I found stinkin' hilarious, and so I decided to be a little less depressing this year and post it here.

Please note that this is an email forward; not my own writing. What you're about to read are answers from second grade students to questions about their moms. As you read and laugh, I hope you will make a mental note to be thankful for, and thank, your mom for all she does for you. And if you're able to tell your mom face-to-face, I hope you're extra thankful.

Happy Mother's Day!

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my mom eats a lot

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time,

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.